My fertility journey.

I was waiting for so long to write this post. I envisioned that this would be an epic post where I could share that I finally got a positive pregnancy result, have some sort of “happy ending” and then share with you all of the stuff I went through to make this happen, blablabla. However, I got tired of waiting for that positive result, so I will share where I have gotten so far.

The moment this journey began was the moment I made the decision that I was ready to become a mother. If you haven’t read my last posts, I’ll update you quickly. I went on a trip to Colombia on my own to have a “bachelorette trip”. Before getting pregnant I wanted to enjoy myself. Then, I had the idea (not one of my best ideas) about sharing this exciting news with all my family and the few friends I have there, a decision I would soon regret.

The “trying experience” started in December of 2019. After many unsuccessful attempts, a long period of depression and the anxiety of having my friends and family in Colombia constantly asking if I was pregnant already, I ended up seeking medical help from a specialist at the end of 2021. The whole fertility journey is something I would never in a million years thought I would experience. As I mentioned in a previous post, in my family 99% of babies are not planned. I have got grandmas and aunties that got pregnant in their 40’s (I think one of my grandmas got pregnant at 45), so imagine thinking bringing babies into this world is “not easy” UNTHINKABLE!

Before reaching the fertility specialist, I tried every possible thing the Internet suggested to get pregnant quickly. It is quite interesting to read the bizarre practices that are out there. One of those was to never vacuum under your bed because the baby’s spirit is there waiting to be brought into this world, so if you vacuum you vacuum the baby’s soul or something. #Strange

We were getting frustrated, the sexy times were long gone and we got to a point of me saying “Hey I’m ovulating, go fap till you are ready and just finish in.” TMI? Maybe, but it was how things were. I can’t honestly remember the last time I did anything sexual with my partner for enjoyment, it’s all pure fertility focused. The quicker the better, and good night. That was the new normal, an extra chore to do a few times every month. As a matter of fact, I had it on my Google Tasks.

I am embarrassed to admit that I even contacted a sort of witch-woman to tell me if there was something “occult” going on. I mean, what if they did brujería to us? (You are thinking that I am insane, aren’t you?) I ended up doing a lot of odd practices and cleanses that felt weird. “Oh what am I doing with this pumpkin under this tree?” It felt a bit silly! I had flower baths, honey cleanses, baby whatever you suggest… I’ve done it. Sadly, none of those things we did led to a positive pregnancy result. So, we then decided to go to the fertility doctor.

I remember so clearly the first appointment there. They got these little couches that fit 2 people and are quite far apart from each other… kinda cute. We went in, answered a few questions, then the doctor explained our options. But before anything, they had to do an exam to see that everything “in me” was healthy, otherwise the treatments wouldn’t work, and another exam for my partner.

My exam: All I can remember is being in this dark room with a technician inserting things, showing the ultrasound on a little tv and explaining how everything seemed OK. At one point I was screaming and crying out of pain. I have NEVER in my life experienced something so painful. They had to call a doctor because the pain I was experiencing was “out of normal”. But to my surprise, the results were positive: EVERYTHING IS FINE.

His exam: Cum in a cup. Result: EVERYTHING IS FINE.

After that, they told us that we would be put on a waiting list for a funded IVF in August. But the wait for that can take up to a year OR we could pay for it and do it ASAP. To be honest I didn’t feel like spending $15,000 on a treatment which is the cost for IVF. However, there was an option to do an IUI procedure (a type of artificial insemination). Each treatment is about $1,800 and that is an amount of money I am OK spending for a cycle.

Because of COVID restrictions, the fertility clinic was not taking a lot of patients, so we had to wait a few months to start the treatment. I was then focused on other things. As I quit drinking (story for another post) I found so much time and energy to pursue other goals, started to really look after myself and wanted to dedicate more time to my career.

I was so excited to start taking OnlyFans seriously. I mean, if you are subscribed to mine, you will see I tend to forget I even have it. This is when I found a course made by Aida Cortes, a Colombian bad ass woman that did a course to teach girls how to make the most out of OnlyFans. I totally recommend this course and will soon write about my experience with it–it’s brilliant! I even opened a TikTok account and was ready to get out there, put my focus on making money to keep renovating my house and take over the world. I was so empowered! Learning about marketing strategies, reading books to better my skills with people, working out so hard at the GYM so I’d feel more confident with my body and DAMN I was on fire!!!

It was then I got the call that we could start the treatment the following cycle. I had to start taking medication to induce ovulation. What I didn’t know is that the side effects from the medication would take so much energy from me. I was so dizzy I could barely make it out of bed some days. I forgot about my goals and was on “survival mode”, not really interested in taking sexy photos or logging on MyFreeCams to seduce anyone. I was miserable.

I thought I could still use my time learning with the course I bought, so I was doing that every day. In the meantime, I was taking ovulation tests twice a day to see when to do the treatment. I also did a few scans and semi-often blood tests. Man, that felt like a lot of work! One morning I was on my desk taking notes from Aida Cortes’s course, really focused and excited when I got a call from the fertility clinic. I had just started ovulating and they needed to do the procedure around 11am. I had to be there by 10:30… It was about 8:30am. Of course, I panicked.

IUI round one: “Be here at 10:30 with the sperm sample.” My partner had left for work at 7am so he had to come back home, fap in a cup and we rushed to the clinic. I was shaking the whole time. I didn’t know what to expect. We gave the sample and had to come back in 30 mins or so. I was told to drink lots of water for… a reason I forgot. So, there I was walking around a mall near sipping from my water bottle thinking “Man, these people at the mall have no idea what I am about to do, this could be the day… man, I am going to remember this mall forever if this works… this is exciting.” Then around 11am I was back at the clinic, sitting down waiting to be inseminated lol. I saw a few couples there waiting to do a procedure too, it was comforting. I felt too shy to talk to them but I looked at their eyes. They all had the same look, sort of worried/excited. The other women were drinking water too, it was sort of awkward but safe if that makes sense.

After a few minutes they called me in. I went in with my partner and the person doing the procedure confirmed the names, she told me to remove all clothes from my waist down and to lay down on one of those weird looking chair gynecologists have (you probably have seen them in the movies if not in person). She started doing the procedure at 11:11… which is a number with special meaning to me. I took it as a good sign. It was then when I started crying in pain. It was so bad but I was trying to be quiet while thinking, “OMG is this my special moment? This is not normal… WTF am I doing? This is unnatural. This is not how babies are supposed to be made, am I out of my mind for doing this? OUCH! That hurts!”.

She was done and told me to stay there for 15 minutes, a long 15 minutes of me saying over and over “I don’t want to do this again”, it was too much for me. I then went home and spent the day watching comedies to… idk help? I figured watching my usual horror films wouldn’t be helpful. Then I went to a spa to get a massage because, why not, right?

But I wasn’t “done”. This was the beginning of what I call… “THE LONGEST 2 WEEKS!” If any of you have gone through this journey you know what I’m talking about. The time you have to wait to see if your procedure was successful. I was no longer thinking about showing my ass on OnlyFans. I spent every drop of my energy on being chill, watching happy films. I didn’t go online for many days just in case something would be “stressful”. It was like living in a bubble, sort of. I was away from everything and everyone then realized maybe camming is not what I want to do anymore. I didn’t find it meaningful and I decided maybe it was time for me to retire. I even shared this with a few friends and made the decision that my last stream was going to be on July 29th, on my 10th year cammiversary. It seemed like a good day to leave and start looking at other career paths.

I spent most of my energy imagining deleting all my social media and sort of disappearing from everything. “BUT WAIT!! Not long ago you were all excited about this OnlyFans course and being a better camgirl, what happened?” … I don’t know? Do you guys think this pregnancy journey is driving me crazy? I do now, reading all the things I just wrote lol.

I must say all of this took a huge emotional tool on me. Then finally the day came. The two weeks were over. I did my pregnancy blood test early in the morning and spent the whole day waiting for the call from the fertility clinic to confirm the pregnancy results. I was at the shops buying a few cleaning things when I got the call. The IUI wasn’t successful, and there I was crying, shocked, confused and lost. The nurse said on the phone that they would give me a different medication for the next cycle and that she would be in touch soon. “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! All of this ‘chilling’ was for nothing? Gosh, I wasn’t even working out properly because I was scared I’d be dangerous. I stopped eating certain foods, I didn’t even work and it was all for nothing? But… they put the sperm right there on my exact ovulation day? WTF?” Yep, it was not one of my best days.

IUI round two: The medication this month made me so emotional and dizzy. Sometimes I felt I couldn’t stand properly. It was no bueno. I missed lots of days on cam and to be honest I didn’t care. My mind and body went to a weird place. Of course, I was not in the mood to do anything sexual. I no longer felt comfortable in my own body. People would say nice things online to me but I wouldn’t believe them. None of those words felt like the truth.

It was the exact same process I described above with the exception it was a specialist doctor doing the insemination… same waiting for 15 minutes, same watching comedies (no massage this time though) and a couple of days to rest. Same trying to stay chill but I wasn’t as excited.

This cycle I didn’t want to wait for the nurse to call and tell me the results of my blood test. I bought one of those home pregnancy tests that tell you 6 days before your expected period. It was negative… but I wasn’t surprised. I knew that, I felt it. I didn’t cry this time, but I felt REALLY sad.

The very next day I went with my family to a nice restaurant to celebrate my best friend’s birthday. We were chatting and it was then my friend mentioned he wanted to go to Canada to a high school reunion. Obvio I encouraged him and I started to feel so excited… a bit too excited though. It came to my mind that I haven’t traveled since I went to Colombia in November 2019 for that so-called “bachelorette party”. It hit me like wow, “This fertility thing has been in my mind for almost 3 years non-stop. This is INSANE! AM I LETTING THIS RULE MY LIFE!?” I kinda jumped on the table and said “I want to come too!”. My heart started pounding. I forgot how much I enjoyed traveling. All I had been thinking about in the past 2 months was fertility treatments, taking fertility medications and dealing with the side effects. I stopped caring about MFC and wasn’t really there for the people that mattered the most to me.

The trip to Canada feels like a “reset button”. I have decided to do one last treatment and I will be done with that at least for now. Part of me feels like I am neglecting myself by focusing so much on this fertility thing. I am tired of it. My life is so wonderful in every possible way. I have a great group of friends, a loving family, the most wonderful dogs, a beautiful home and most importantly I am healthy and live in peace. Perhaps it is time to start focusing on all the good things I have instead of putting my attention on what I feel I am “missing”.

There are so many beautiful things in this world to enjoy. This has been a long and exhausting journey and I am happy and excited to move to a different chapter. Oh, there is a movie that I found comforting called “Private Life” about a couple wanting to conceive. Check it out if you are curious about this sort of journey. It’s watchable hehehe.

I have been so excited about this trip to Canada. This led me to focusing again on how much fun I have on MFC. I have met really cool people in the past few days and I feel hopeful, happy and alive. I changed my mind about retiring in July. I do not feel like I am done yet so there will be lots of Andrea until further notice.