266 days.

I haven’t been here in 266 days, it’s been almost 9 months since I wrote last. I can tell you I’ve been up to some things… but where to start?

Pregnancy update: No baby just yet… I have done extra medical tests, they keep telling me I am super healthy but I might have to be referred to a fertility specialist.

Life update: I bought my first home and I am getting a puppy next month.

MFC update: I kinda went back to the sexy time to try be a “better camgirl”.

StormPaws update: I finally found a person that I can work with, a person that inspires me to do my best to keep this mission going.

I guess that’s is… but if we get into detail, things haven’t been so easy. But they’re never easy when you really think about it. Talking about fertility issues seems to be such an uncomfortable topic for people. That’s something they really want to avoid so when I try talk about it, most of the time I sense awkwardness. I don’t talk to many people outside of MFC so 98% of my human interactions happen while I’m camming.

When for the first time a member asked if I was still trying to get pregnant after he read my last post, man… I got so excited that someone cared enough to ask. I was so happy and said yes and thanked him for asking. I was making sure he knew this meant a lot to me as most people are uncomfortable with the topic, his answer: -“I am just being nosy”- end of the conversation. I mean, what do you say to that? -“Thanks, very empathetic of you”-. To be fair I appreciate his honesty of not caring to begin with and just wanted to fulfil his nosiness. The reality of this cold world sucks. I was hurt that I didn’t get a chance to express how I truly feel, not then not ever. This pain and frustration I have to keep inside, never talk about it and pretend I am ok with this or casually mention it, preferably joking around to not upset anyone, no one wants to hear this, lesson learned.

I am at a point where I would rather Doctors tell me there’s something wrong with me and I will never be able to get pregnant, at least then I will stop wondering -“but what if do, what if this works out”- and redirect my life in a different way. I feel like I have been in an ocean of uncertainty for so long and I don’t know if I can keep going. It is such a lonely journey, I wish I knew anyone who could relate, anyone I could talk to about this and feel heard, feel seen, feel understood. I really crave that.

Saying that, and in hindsight I guess I’m sort of happy I didn’t get pregnant earlier. Why? you might be wondering… well my darling, hold your chair because I will tell you exactly why. Do you remember how on my last post I mentioned that I fell in love with the South Island when I visited last year for my birthday? Well I had an instant crush with Christchurch City. The second I set a foot here I truly loved it. I remember this so well, it was about 7am and I was walking with my partner and my best friend in town. Everything was closed and after I took a picture I said -“Fuck it, this city is cool, let’s move here guys. It is decided”-. It was one of those things that felt just right. I was living in Hamilton before, it was a beautiful place but with all the respect to the Hamiltonians that might read this, it never felt like a city, to me it was more like a small town and it’s not something I enjoyed much. There was not many things to do and it was more expensive than here to rent or buy a property.

Long story short, on February 2021 I was on my way to Christchurch. I gave back the house in Hamilton, rented a house down here and I was ready for this new adventure of enjoying one of the most beautiful places I have ever visited (like for real guys, you HAVE to come to New Zealand and travel around the South Island).

I don’t know if I mentioned this before but I have always dreamed about owning a house. That dream was fading away slowly after facing many difficulties with getting the loan approved. New Zealand banks are very strict when it comes to income from overseas. So, even though I have an established business here, pay my taxes, have an accountant, all my finances in order and I had a 20% deposit… the answer was still NO, to the eyes of New Zealand banks I earn $0 (I wish the IRD had the same eyes as the banks lol)

I gave up all hope, then started to think maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I worked with more than 4 different mortgage brokers and they all dicked me around. They asked for a bunch of papers to at the end say -“Yeah, nah you need to get a job in New Zealand then we can get you a loan”- which is only a tiny bit frustrating because I ALWAYS MENTIONED MY SITUATION AND ASKED IF THEY COULD HELP OR NOT, AND THEY ALL SAID –“YES WE ARE NOT ASSHOLES WE WILL HELP YOU, WE ARE NOT LYING COWS”-, PATRAÑAS! DAMN I’M MAD!!!! WHY ARE PEOPLE SO ANNOYING TIME WASTERS FUCKERS!!!! … (breathing break lol)

Right before I moved down here I saw a Chilean woman offering her services as a mortgage broker on a Facebook group. I was sceptical as you can imagine given my past experiences, but I wrote to her anyways. My message was something along the lines of -“I’ve been dicked around enough, I show my titties online and that’s my job, I earn this much and I have this much, can you get me a loan for a house around this much, yes or no DON’T WASTE MY TIME PLEASE”-. She didn’t reply for a while, perhaps it was her holiday time, all I remember was she calling me one day to ask me a few questions. I answered and she told me she will be in touch. I never thought shed be able to help, but she sounded so confident. I just thought -“ohhh she is just being too positive, I won’t invest my heart on this, it is failure after failure with this loan thing”-. I have already cried so much and spent over 2 years chasing this dream of buying a house. I guess I didn’t wanted to get my hopes up.

One day I was at the zoo (very important detail) and she called to ask me to send her a few papers, papers that because of the past mortgage brokers experiences I had ready. She was so confident again and somehow she always sounded so happy, so bubbly yet very calm and comforting. During that call I was walking around in circles. I was so anxious and started to wonder -“what if this works out?”-. I then realised I had stepped in poop which I took as a sign of good luck lol, does anyone else have this in their culture or did I just made this poop luck thing up?

This journey of getting my loan approved with her didn’t take long. It wasn’t traumatic, there were no tears of disappointment, in fact it was always a highlight of my day to talk to her. I loved how she struggled trying to explain everything to me in Spanish. She is used to explaining everything in English, I mean, that’s her job. But she just wanted me to be more comfortable speaking in our native tongue. I had to remind her constantly that I spoke English too and it was ok if she didn’t always use Spanish, ohh she was amazing.

A few days after that poop stepping experience, I was at home. It was early morning when I got a call from her again, but this time, to tell me my mortgage got approved. Well, she kind of yelled that at me with a tone of celebration and happiness that she kept her word and got to help me after all. This woman will be in my heart for the rest of my life, she is the one who gave my biggest dream the last push to become a reality (the first push and the journey push was from all of you with your financial and emotional support, gracias)

I thought that was it, life was good and now I could simply let things flow and chill. Ohh, how little did I know about the housing crisis in New Zealand. The constant auctions and the overpriced houses OMG that… THAT was really stressful. I thought the goal was to get approved and everything will be easy after that, but nah! When I started to see that houses that are valued by professionals around $530,000 will sell for over $700,000 in an auction I got worried. Houses here rarely sell for a set price. It is mostly auctions and you never know by how much you’re going to get crushed.

There was a thing about my loan, one of the conditions is that they wouldn’t lend me money for more than the property’s real worth. So every time I liked a house I had to hire a person to go to the house, do an inspection and give the bank an estimate of the worth of the property. That estimate defines how much I’d get on my loan. I felt powerless as it is so rare than a house sells for the price it is worth in this market and every inspection was going to cost me around $800.

So $800 if I liked a house to get an estimate, then I would go to an auction most likely to be blown away by some investor. That’s the way things are at the moment, it was very stressful. But I am very stubborn so I kept looking and looking for a house that was not going for auction, to maximise my chances, to make an offer and pray the house was good enough for the lending company, because yeah… they don’t approve just any house, it has to be a house they consider a “good investment” in case I don’t pay them back and they need to get their money back quick.

Here is the thing, I found a house I loved, in a lovely neighbourhood, it was not going for auction, the guy was super chill, the owner of the house was the nicest guy. I made an offer, they approved it almost instantly, the lending company accepted the house and everything flowed so naturally you know? no stress. I moved on October the 4th and have been happy, well with the occasional ups and downs but overall really good. Very grateful to be able to do whatever I want in my house, MY HOUSE!!! But well, so far I have only painted one room, but soon I’ll paint others and maybe destroy the garden to plant avocados, I mean the possibilities are infinite.

Then I wonder if I would have done all of this if I have gotten pregnant earlier and the answer is probably not. I wouldn’t have left my old city for sure, and if I did for some mystical reason. I don’t know if I was going to be able to put together all the money I needed to buy this house. I don’t know if I would have been able to cam, maybe? But that will be stretching things a little bit. I wouldn’t have been wanting to move houses during a pregnancy. I don’t know… it seems like a really bad idea for some reason. So to conclude this journey I am not happy that I haven’t been able to get pregnant but in hindsight I am grateful (sort of?) that I didn’t.

Reading back what I wrote today I can’t help but think… when things are meant to be they will flow naturally and you know what? I am happy my loan didn’t get approved when I was living in Hamilton. I would’ve brought a house there and probably never felt truly happy there. It’s funny how a couple of weeks after moving here the loan got approved, I never thought about it until now… and the smile I have on my face won’t leave for a couple of hours.

How about next week I tell you all about the puppy? I’ll tell you everything about trying to be a “better camgirl” and of course I want to tell you everything about our StormPaws news. That way it won’t be another 9 months until I see you again. Thank you for reading me, see you next week.


Coffee Time

If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.