2020 was quite a year for everyone, no matter in which part of the world you are located. We were all somehow affected by COVID-19. The world had a different vibe and it gave us all plenty of time to reflect on our lives.
There is a side of my life that I never speak about much, and it is the whole “trying to get pregnant”. This month marks a year of the “trying” and it has been a long and disappointing journey. I thought that you just did it without protection during fertile days and boom! easy peasy welcome a baby in nine months, but I was confused when in the first month after trying I got my first negative test… Oh the disappointment!
How little I knew at the time about the struggles some couples have when wanting to start a family. When I got my first negative test my mom was here in New Zealand. Obviously I was sad and confused, I bought one of those tests that tell you 6 days before your period if you are pregnant or not. I just NEEDED to know, I was too excited. She told me that the reason it was negative was because I was “too anxious”.
At that moment I thought, -“ok, I will just chill, have fun and try again in a few weeks”- I really had a good time with my mom around, we traveled many places, danced and listened to those “ratchet” Colombian songs that I love to play online when I’m in a good mood. I thought January will be my month, and I was going to get pregnant and everything will work out easily. I was monitoring my fertile days with an app logging every symptom my body experienced day to day during my cycle.
Another disappointing result, another negative test. My confusion kept growing, I almost couldn’t process it -“what is wrong with me?”- I kept thinking. I had the brilliant idea of announcing to my family that I had finally decided to have a baby and everyone was way too excited. I haven’t heard of any babies planned in my family besides my brother and a cousin. We are all accidents (lol), so it’s not the kind of thing my family does, planning and deciding when to become parents. It just happens, then it is gossiping and disappointment until the baby is born and everyone is happy.
So you can imagine how frustrating it was for me talking to my family and have them asking if I was pregnant already, when I said no they asked -“why is it taking so long?”-. Time kept passing and month after month I kept getting negative results. I tried to talk to friends that have kids, perhaps anyone else could understand my frustration, but all I got was the worst possible thing you can say to someone trying to get pregnant -“just relax, you are stressing to much about it“- or -“it will happen when you chill”- Geez, seriously go fuck yourself big time. My heart is literally racing as I type this. RELAX? REALLY? Oh man thanks for the brilliant advice!! … Honestly it gets old after a while, just don’t say anything ma’am.
Besides the frustration I have it feels like they are blaming me for it, like it’s my fault it’s not happening and I wonder how can I relax if I am so excited about becoming a mom. That thought rarely leaves me, it’s there every single day. I kept living my life of course and after a few months stopped tracking every symptom on the app, I stopped buying pregnancy tests and ovulation tests like a maniac. I am more calm but I am conscious of how excited I get about every big change in my life, but I got to a point where I just started to focus on myself and how to be happier.
Another frustrating part were friends in Colombia who knew the situation, after two months of trying someone told me something must be really wrong with me and I should seek medical help to identify what was my problem. Others mentioned my age and how low my chances of getting pregnant were at 30 and I wonder, how do you respond to that? -“Oh Thanks for your wonderful advice, very helpful. I’ll go back in time and get pregnant when I’m 20. Cheerio Darling heading to my time machine now”-?
I don’t know if this happens to anyone else, but when I was single and wanting a relationship all I saw surrounding me were happy couples. People on Facebook getting engaged, everyone happy and in love except me. Well… the exact same thing happened with the wanting to become a mom experience. I kept noticing every pregnant woman at the mall, people on Facebook again posting those ultrasound pictures and I couldn’t help it but feel jealous. Why them and not me? It almost made me mad to hear about other people getting pregnant because it reminded me about how I was failing as a woman, thats how it felt month after month all year round.
After six months of disappointing results we went to the Doctor and expressed our concerns. Guess what? My GP was on maternity leave and I had to see someone else, so that was a big cry for me… Oh the drama! Everyone is getting pregnant around me EVEN MY DOCTOR, COME ON!! The Doctor we saw that day explained how getting pregnant could take up to a year (sometimes more) and there’s no reason to freak out but if we wanted we could get certain tests to make sure everything in our bodies was working fine.
Long story short, all is good. Two perfectly healthy people. I was kind of relieved but kind of mad you know? Is like ok what is the problem then? Is it my age? Were those annoying friends right? People love to remind me how everything goes downhill after for a woman after you turn 30 but actually things just started to make sense after I turned 30.
I went on a trip across the country for my birthday this year, if you don’t know much about New Zealand I invite you to Google the South Island, it is just spectacular. During that trip I got a lot of time to think about my job, that’s when everything started, I was craving a change but I wasn’t quite sure what I needed.
2020 was frustrating, since January I was feeling like a failure for not being able to get pregnant, but also month after month I kept failing every goal I set for myself on MyFreeCams. Then I started getting very depressed about it. -“This is it, I’m too old for this now”- I kept thinking constantly. I tried to connect with people but it was so difficult to make new friends or attract new people to my chatroom, things only got harder with time and those close to me know how much I struggled to come online every day.
I tried so many things to make camming enjoyable, tried to emulate everything I’ve done in the past that brought me success but nothing was working for me anymore. I felt lame, ugly, boring and started to compare myself with all those new girls that are very popular, most of them are in their early 20’s, their skin looks better, they have more energy than me and there I was, simply fading away with those memories of the good years. I started looking for a job in New Zealand.
I was desperate to feel like I was living a meaningful life. I couldn’t bare another man tipping me to tease myself and pretend to enjoy it, it was a fake horrible life and I was so drained most days after 2 hours online. Of course in the middle of it there were amazing days, full of sunshine and I loved what I was doing, but those beautiful days started to happen less and less often.
Depression really got me at the end of October, I felt so lonely. Nothing could cheer me up, I had to go seek medical help because I have never in my life felt so low. I didn’t wanted to be alive anymore. They gave me a prescription for antidepressants, that was my life at the beginning of November. I can’t say the antidepressants made my life better. While taking them I became somehow plain (is that how you say it?) I’m not sure, but it felt like I had no emotions. I didn’t feel sad any longer but I couldn’t feel any happiness anymore as if the world had turned from crazy colours to plain grey (but not cool grey like the one I like) just soulless dead-inside grey. I gave up on the antidepressants, they didn’t help me the way I thought they would.
I kept coming online and kind of stopped caring until I noticed the days I’m the happiest are those when I don’t set any goals or expectations, everything seems to flow. Just for a laugh, mid November I decided that for the rest of the month I wouldn’t have any topics, tip menus or goals. I logged on with the intention of having a good time with my friends because YES they are my friends, way better friends than anyone I’ve interacted with in my personal life. Those guys mean a great deal to me.
I love chatting with them you know? I know the big things going on in their lives, about love, friends and family. I always find a way to joke around or tease them, it is what I do naturally, THAT’S WHO I AM. So sometimes I could be having the time of my life, joking, laughing surrounded by friends and someone would tip me to get naked and do a fingering tease. It would super kill the vibe, maybe they thought they were helping or just wanted to get off? I’m not sure! But those kind of things made me dislike camming, it felt like the connection we were having was cut short to get sexual by command and that doesn’t feel right.
The end of November was different, for the first time in 8 years I felt like I was truly in charge. I didn’t do anything for tokens only by choice and desire. The teases I did and erotic shows were so deeply meaningful to me. I enjoyed being a camgirl again, I was so turned on and I felt on fire night after night. If I felt sad I’d be open about my feelings, if I was happy I’d share my happiness, if I was angry I’d scream my soul out. There was no more pretending to be ok, no more pretending to be happy or jolly when that contradicted what was happening inside. To my surprise that allowed me to get closer to my friends and new people coming as they could relate. We started bonding at the speed of… idk that Han Solo super car that flies (you get the point).
People that have been there for years only now started to notice me, why? Who knows. The amount of new guys in my room blows my mind, I can’t remember ever having so many people talking in my room as it has been in the past few weeks. Most nights I stay over 8 hours because I am having such a good time I simply don’t want to leave, I am so excited every day.
THANK YOU, I want to hug everyone so hard right now. I can’t believe it took me 8 years to discover that being myself (truly myself) would allow me to connect with so many wonderful people. Yes, 2020 was sucky in many ways but I feel like I am back and stronger than ever. I didn’t set any goals for December just went online to have fun and it has been my best month of the year, it feels like I’m living in a dream or is some sort of miracle. I am so grateful for the wonderful people arriving in my life, you have changed me.
I no longer feel comfortable with the name SofiaStorm, even though that name was around with me during memorable moments, day by day I feel less like Sofia, my chatroom has changed and it is time to start a new phase with the rule of being transparent and staying true to myself, no more pretending.
Happy New Year.
If you enjoy my writing and want to support me, you can get me a coffee (if you want, I mean no expectations lol) If I get too many coffees I’ll probably get a nice lunch, but who knows. All support from my Blog goes to coffee shops in my area, to spend quality time there writing and maybe eating a sandwich and staring at people.
This is so beautifully written.
I don’t know why you are not getting pregnant but I know it is not your age. My sister had 3 of her daughters in her 30’s. My sister-in-law had my nephew at 36. Age has nothing to do with it.
I’m so happy you found your true self and look forward to the beautiful phenix that will rise from the ashes that is SofiaStorm. Thank you for letting be apart of this new chapter in your life. I’ll continue to pray for you and your every happiness. I will always love you (insert new name here.)
This is beautifully written.
I don’t know why you are not getting pregnant but I do know it has nothing to do with your age. My sister had 2 of her daughters after she was 30. My sister-in-law had my nephew at age 36. He’ll my one aunt was had when her parents were in there 40’s. Your age has nothing to do with it.
I’m so happy for you and that you can let your true self shine through. I’m so very thankful that you allowed me to be apart of this journey and I can’t wait to see the beautiful phenix that will rise from the ashes that was SofiaStorm.
I’ll continue to pray for you and every happiness you want. I’ll always love you (insert new name here.)
It hurts to read this but I’m happy to be a positive change
Thank you so much for sharing. 2020 has been most challenging no doubt about it. Watching and reading your snaps has been most welcome relief. Your blog posts are also welcome when you create one. Everytime I take a food pic I think of you and smile. You do so many things like that which make me and I’m sure many others smile and I thank you for that. The thought of you as a Mother is beautiful and I’m confident that will happen. As always sending you good vibes Dood!
Whoever you are now or choose to become, it has been a joy watching you grow these past few years. Excited for what happens next!
Thank you G !!
I feel you ♥